FROM 150 WAYS TO TELL IF YOU’RE GHETTO:
By Shawn Wayans, Chris Spencer & Sali McCullough

You Know You’re Ghetto if...

You put sugar on your frosted flakes.
Your kids were in your wedding.
You call your mama by her first name.
You have a car phone and no car.
You iron dirty clothes.
You’ve been a guest on Ricky Lake.
You wear house shoes to the grocery store.
You’re nineteen and you just met your father.
You use a clothes hanger as a TV antenna.
You have a wife and kids but still live at home.
You chew ice.
You cain’t spell "can’t."
You still wear anything that says "Whoop, there it is."
You record over previously recorded tapes.
Your mom does your hair in the kitchen.
You don’t pay your rent until you get a three-day notice.
You put on panty-hose instead of shaving your legs.
You buy clothes for a party and return them to the store the next day.
You only go to church on Easter and Mother’s Day or to meet women.
Your first name begins with Ta’, La’, or Sha’.
You took the batteries out of the smoke detector to put in your pager.
Your bank is a check-cashing place.
You have to put stuff on layaway at the 99-cent store.
Your man can wear his hair in a ponytail but you can’t.
You’re hooked on ebonics.
You think putting batteries in the refrigerator recharges them.
When you were little you had to be in the house before the streetlights came on.
You take bubble baths with dishwashing liquid.
You return gifts for the money.
You yell "Pookie" in your house and five people turn around.
You think going to prison is "keeping it real."
You save cooking grease.
The only dates marked on the calendar are the 1st and the 15th.
Your mama whipped you and your friends.
You keep food stamps in money clip.
You think grease and water make your hair curly.
You wear tube socks with dress shoes.
You add water to shampoo to stretch it.
You put your kids to sleep with NyQuil.
You use your welfare check as collateral.
You can read your haircut.
You use a toothbrush to style your "baby hair."
You named your daughters after cars you can’t afford.
You bought your rims before you bought your car.
Your fingernails are longer than your fingers.
You think jury duty is a good way to make money.
You think going on a diet means no candy.
You have a drawer in the kitchen for condiments from fast food restaurants.

GHETTOFABULOUS
By: Rita Mason

YOU KNOW YOU’RE GHETTOFABULOUS IF...

There’s reusable bacon grease in a Maxwell house can in the center of the burners on your stove.

The batteries in your remote control are held in place with a piece of tape.

Something smells spoiled in the refrigerator, and all you do is change the box of arm& hammer baking soda.

Your drinking glasses used to be jelly jars.

Your furniture is covered in plastic.

You run to get pots as soon as it rains.

The roaches in your house only come out when company comes.

Your refer to the refrigerator as an icebox.

The back of your toilet seat is always off.

You use Vaseline for shoe polish.

You don’t think you’re clean unless there is visible baby powder on your neck and chest.

The heels of your feet look like you’ve been kicking flour.

You wear any of the following: brute, hai karate, jean nate, old spice, chlore, english leather, charlie, faberge’

You use tussy.

You use black eye liner to line your lips.

You wear your shower cap everywhere but in the shower.

You dry-clean your washable clothing (e.g., jeans, t-shirts, baseball jersey, etc.).

You’ve never been to the dentist.

You clean your teeth with a matchbook or business card.

You clean your ears with a bobby pin, key or ink pen cap.

You wear your clothes with a tag on them.

The only art you own is on your fingernails.

You are under thirteen and have extensions.

The majority of the flowers at the burial site are> plastic and/or taken back the following day.

You ever took a bus to a club.

You ask perfect strangers to take a picture with you, then you tell all of your friends that this is someone you actually dated.

You’ve won a grammy and you start your acceptance speech with the following phrase: "first of all, I want to thank god, who is the head of my life."

Your child drops his pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking on it.

Your children don’t know the words to "miss mary mack," but they know the lyrics to all of the master p’s records.

You ran a race barefoot in the middle of the street at approximately eleven at night.

You refer to the hair at the nape of your neck as your "kitchen."

You never learned to swim because you couldn’t get your hair wet.

Your child thinks his real name is lil’ man.

You have trouble spelling your children’s names, and you named them.

You page yourself.

You wear house shoes outside the house.

You add "ed" or "t" to the end of a word that is already in the past tense (e.g., tooked, light-skinneded, kilt, ruint).

Your pronounce words like this:

skrimps or strimps - shrimp

pacific vs. Specific

skreet - street

axe - ask

lookded - looked

member - remember

spisketti - spaghetti

wayment - wait a minute

You buy your stockings at the same place you do your grocery shopping.

You wear a watch that you know doesn’t work.

You got angry when the government stopped the cheese program

Every time you have macaroni and cheese, you feel a need to comment on how nothing makes it better than "the gobment cheese."

You have a crack across your front windshield and you never bothered to get it fixed.

You drive around on the donut, months after the flat happened.

The announcements at your church are longer than the sermon.

There are more guests at the reception than there were at the wedding.